What to do when elderly parents refuse help

It can be hard to ask for help, especially when caring for another person. And it’s not just hard for the caregiver, but also for the person receiving care. When you’re caring for a loved one, you might be focused on their safety, comfort, and health. And while this is important, you don’t want to lose sight of your loved one’s independence. 

When a parent resists help, you may worry about their safety while also wanting to respect their independence. Physical, social, and cognitive changes can make aging feel uncertain, especially when they affect a person’s sense of control and ability to make everyday decisions. That uncertainty can sometimes come across as resistance or stubbornness. So, how can you talk with your parent about accepting help while respecting their personal values, preferences, and current health needs? 

Start by trying to understand why your parent may be refusing help. This can help you approach the conversation with empathy, respect, and patience instead of frustration. Rather than clashing with them or pushing for an immediate decision, gently encourage an open conversation about what they need, what they want, and which forms of support they might accept. 

Remember that your parents are in a different stage of life and bring their own experiences and personal history to the conversation. Their thoughts, emotions, motivations, and views about what should happen next may differ from yours. They may feel afraid or overwhelmed, which can lead them to avoid conversations about aging or deny that they need help. Some may even resist support they need to remain safe. Understanding their perspective can help you keep the conversation respectful, even when you disagree. 

Even when aging parents need help with everyday household or personal tasks, they may resist in-home caregiving support or a move to an assisted living community. These conversations can take time and may need to happen more than once. The following tips can help you discuss lifestyle changes with your parents and encourage them to accept the support they need. 

9 practical tips for helping aging parents accept help 

Here are some practical tips when you want to talk to your parent about getting extra supports.

Talk early and often 

You may need to have several difficult conversations at the beginning, so don’t wait for a crisis to discuss the future. Let your parents know that they remain in control of their lives while explaining the importance of planning ahead. Ask what kind of care they would accept and under what conditions. Would they want a live-in professional caregiver? Would they prefer to move to assisted living where they could receive round-the-clock care? Are they possibly experiencing the beginning stages of Alzheimer’s disease and in need of a memory care community? Find out what would feel acceptable to them, and start creating a plan together for what may come next. Knowing their preferences now can make future conversations more focused. 

Assess the current situation 

Try to determine which activities of daily living (ADLs) your parents need help performing and which they can manage independently. Look at both everyday household responsibilities and personal tasks. Consider any mental or physical health conditions they may have, as well as what changes or adjustments may be needed in their daily lives. Conditions such as Alzheimer’s may progress, so you may need to reassess your parents’ situation more often as their needs change. 

Let their decisions be their own 

Help your parents maintain control by including them throughout the process of hiring in-home care or exploring senior living communities. Let them choose which days of the week they might receive in-home care. Ask whether they would prefer support from family caregivers or outside help. Offer several aging care options, and give your parents space to make their own decisions, even when they need some guidance from you. With love and respect for their thoughts and feelings, you can share your perspective in a way they may be more willing to hear and consider. 

Listen without judgment 

You may not completely understand what your parent is experiencing, but you can still respond with empathy. Pay attention to what’s happening in their life, listen carefully to their wishes, and validate their concerns about aging and receiving help. Try to understand what may be behind their resistance. Then, work together to create a plan that reflects their needs and preferences. 

Ask trusted people for support 

If your parents refuse all assistance despite your efforts to talk with them, it may be time to involve people they know and trust. Consider asking for support from their doctors, friends, geriatric care managers, social workers, or religious figures in their lives. Hearing from trusted people can show your parents that others share your concerns and care about their well-being. Their involvement may also help your parents consider the situation from another perspective. It may be useful to seek outside guidance for yourself, perhaps from a therapist or another expert, to make sure you’re being reasonable, respecting appropriate boundaries, and not pushing too hard. 

Treat your parents as adults 

Even if it feels as though your roles have reversed, remember that your parents are still adults in charge of their own lives. Aging can require difficult adjustments, and your parents should always be treated with respect throughout those changes. Listen to their thoughts and feelings rather than dismissing their concerns, and try to work with them toward the best possible outcome for their situation. 

Explain why you’re ready to help 

Your parents may not want to address future needs right now, but you can still begin researching services and preparing for the next steps. Let them know why you’re willing and well suited to help. Explain that involving you now gives them a trusted partner who understands their wishes, has their interests in mind, and can support their decisions. This may feel more acceptable to them than leaving future choices to people they don’t know as well. 

Be prepared for resistance 

You may face opposition even when you approach the planning process with care and want to avoid negative emotions. Acknowledge your parents’ concerns, and explain the positive benefits of receiving outside help. If aging in place matters to them, discuss how accepting the right support could help them maintain their independence there. Connecting assistance to a goal they value may help them view it differently. 

Discuss options carefully 

Write down what your parents need now and what they may need in the future. A written list can help you break a complicated situation into smaller, more manageable needs and explore possible options for each one. This may be especially helpful if your parents have different care needs because of an age gap or health conditions. Present suggestions carefully so that your parents don’t feel forced into a decision. Give them time to understand the possible positive outcomes of each option and to participate in deciding what happens next. 

What support services are available for older adults in the U.S.? 

Your parents may prefer to rely only on support from their children, but other resources can help them navigate health insurance options, manage health conditions, and find financial assistance for nutrition, respite care, transportation, and more. Learning about these services can help your family understand what assistance may be available. For additional information and support for older adults, review these resources: 

• Medicare and Medicaid 

• The Adminstration on Aging (AoA) 

• Supplemental Security Income

• The Americans with Disabilities Act National Network 

These resources can give family caregivers access to information and services that may help aging family members stay healthy. The following resources can also direct older adults and family caregivers to local aging service providers and help them determine whether they may be eligible for benefits and services. These services may include discounted energy bills, assistance with prescription medication costs, and other forms of practical support.